just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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