mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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