My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
