Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
