Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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