Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
