your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
