just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
