they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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