I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
