he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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