i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
