dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
