I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
