so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
