i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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