if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
