Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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