i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
