I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
