Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just cut my nipple shaving
no you cant smoke seaweed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
