If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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