I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
