He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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