Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
