i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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