I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
