did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
