Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
