remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
