I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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