I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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