Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
