apparently the secret to your success is patron
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
