We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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