On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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