Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
