I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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