party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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