You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This is my gift to your gina
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
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I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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