Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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