i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And the cops told us we were all naked.
How's work?
Spinning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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