You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
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Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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