sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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