im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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