Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize