if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
porn star boner night. come get it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
