she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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