I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
