There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
