i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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