oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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