you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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