I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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