non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
