So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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